summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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