we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dick very happy bro
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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