Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
