Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
