Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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