I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
