I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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