im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Randomize
