Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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