i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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