he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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