No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
