you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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