Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
