whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
