I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
