stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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