she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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