Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
