Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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