I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
