meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Soap is not a condiment
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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