before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
