When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
