You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
