you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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