A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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