So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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