She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
