she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
