Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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