Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
