dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
