we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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