I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
