Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
