come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
