Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
