we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize