Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
