Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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