do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
