I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
