she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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