I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
