After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
