The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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