Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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