No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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