I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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