im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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