I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
