Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
