I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
