I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
