Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
only you would photoshop your dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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