You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
