This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My dick has a subreddit
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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